So I spent this past weekend at the ocean. (I also spent some time last weekend at the ocean but not the whole weekend.) The soundtrack in my head was a song by Pete Townshend called, "The Sea Refuses no River." The whole point of the song is that our lives will flow as they are supposed to no matter what gets in the way or no matter what shape the river banks are in. There is never a time when the sea will refuse to take the water coming to it in the river. To me, this is our destiny and how we get there. We all have a path and a purpose and though it may not be a straight shot, our river will wind around and eventually join with the sea. Again, it's about being and not worrying about how.
As I was sitting on the beach yesterday and watching the waves crash in I was again reminded that worrying and planning don't do any good. Those waves don't wonder how they'll crash or where they'll crash or even THAT they'll crash....they just crash. The tide doesn't look at some clock and say...ok, time to come in now! The rocks don't just one day say...I'm tired of being tossed around so I'm going to stay here today. It all has a perfect, universal rhythm and it all works without worrying about processes and outcomes. The water just is and it's just fulfilling its purpose. The rocks just are and they're just fulfilling their purpose. It's beautiful and magical and utter full of life and mystery.
I had some great time with my dad. My dad and I had a tumultous time when I couldn't stand him and he was, I'm certain, overly frustrated with me. Probably typical stuff and it was made more difficult because I moved all over the place with my mom. Now, thankfully, my dad and I are really tight. And it's been happening for the past few years and I'm blessed. He calls me every Tuesday morning to check in and we also talk/email throughout the week. We got to take a couple good walks together this weekend which was lovely. He asked me what I think about when there's nothing to think about. It was an interesting question and so I answered with...I think about being. I shared with him a little bit of my journey and I expected cynicism and I got support and encouragement. Awesome!
I also got to have some fun time with my daughter. We flew kites, we climbed on rocks, we played in the freezing cold water. I tried to do whatever it was that she wanted and we had fun. :)
Peace and love to you all. Be the water...fulfill your destiny don't try to make your destiny. It'll come to you just as the river flows to sea as long as your open to it.
KA :)
Monday, August 10, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Triatalon
Ok...so I don't remember if I put in a previous post that I'm planning on participating in a triathalon next August. Yes...me...non athlete. As I look at what I want to do in the future and what I want to become, healthy is one of those things. Along with healthy comes athletic and I'm excited about the changes that will come from that.
So...I'm throwing it out there now that anyone reading this has permission to ask me how my training is going. I'm going to blog about it as a means of bringing you along in this journey, a way of documenting the transformation and a way to show that it can be done. :)
Here's my current state....I am 100 pounds over weight, if I walk too long my back hurts and the pinched nerve I have makes my outer thigh go numb, I haven't riden a bike in 15 years. However, none of that is going to stop me from meeting the goal of the triathalon. To be wholey healthy I have to do the physical work as well as the emotional work so here we go!!
Peace and love to all. It's never too late to set a goal no matter how far off the mark you currently are. :)
KA
So...I'm throwing it out there now that anyone reading this has permission to ask me how my training is going. I'm going to blog about it as a means of bringing you along in this journey, a way of documenting the transformation and a way to show that it can be done. :)
Here's my current state....I am 100 pounds over weight, if I walk too long my back hurts and the pinched nerve I have makes my outer thigh go numb, I haven't riden a bike in 15 years. However, none of that is going to stop me from meeting the goal of the triathalon. To be wholey healthy I have to do the physical work as well as the emotional work so here we go!!
Peace and love to all. It's never too late to set a goal no matter how far off the mark you currently are. :)
KA
Be...just BE
Have you ever sat somewhere and just existed? No real thoughts, just listening to yourself breathe, listening to what's going on around you, listening to you heart. There was a time not too long ago when a very special person challenged me to just sit for 5 minutes a day and I nearly had an anxiety attack just at the suggestion. What would I DO? So when I tried it I was horrified at the experience. I was fidgity and was certain someone poured peanut butter all over the clock because that was the SLOWEST five minutes of my life. Now I love it! There is freedom in just being...just existing. We are all so driven to do, do, do and we don't value the being. How many times have you been asked, "so, what do you DO?" Let's all stop asking that and start asking, "so, WHO are YOU?" I don't want to know what you do for work, I want to know who you are. When I get to know who you are I get to care about you as a person. And if you can't answer the second question then you need to spend time with yourself and just be.
The second piece of this journey to being for me is accepting that endings are just beginnings. Endings are the negative side of the transaction...beginnings are exciting and new. The 16th verse of the Tao is awesome and so I thought I would share it with you:
"Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace. Amidst the rush of wordly comings and goings observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the Source...to what is and what is to be. To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny. To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant. To know the constant is called insight. Not knowing this cycle leads to disaster. Knowing the constant givers perspective. This perspective is impartial. Impartiality is the highest nobility; the highest nobility is Divine. Being Divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. This way is everlasting, not endangered by physical death. "
So, as I look at life now without my mom and without school I realize I have two choices. I could focus on the end of these two and be sad and depressed and feel lost. Or, I can focus on the beginning that is resulting from these two. The beginning is that I'm now in a position to own my life fully and embrace all that it means. I can make choices with only myself, and of course my daughter, in mind and no one else. It's a life I never imagined I would have and while it is scary it is also awesome. I figured my mom and I would be the Golden Girls. Living together forever and always being basicaly symbiotic. I miss her every day and the gift she gave me in her death was that I own my life. Would I trade it to have her back...you bet. Will I waste it now that I have...no way. And with school, I've been in it for over 3 years and it has consumed every ounce of my time. The gift I get from school being over with is time. And it's time I don't have to fill...it's time I just have to have.
Peace and love to you all. Take time to BE. You are worth it.
KA
The second piece of this journey to being for me is accepting that endings are just beginnings. Endings are the negative side of the transaction...beginnings are exciting and new. The 16th verse of the Tao is awesome and so I thought I would share it with you:
"Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace. Amidst the rush of wordly comings and goings observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the Source...to what is and what is to be. To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny. To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant. To know the constant is called insight. Not knowing this cycle leads to disaster. Knowing the constant givers perspective. This perspective is impartial. Impartiality is the highest nobility; the highest nobility is Divine. Being Divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. This way is everlasting, not endangered by physical death. "
So, as I look at life now without my mom and without school I realize I have two choices. I could focus on the end of these two and be sad and depressed and feel lost. Or, I can focus on the beginning that is resulting from these two. The beginning is that I'm now in a position to own my life fully and embrace all that it means. I can make choices with only myself, and of course my daughter, in mind and no one else. It's a life I never imagined I would have and while it is scary it is also awesome. I figured my mom and I would be the Golden Girls. Living together forever and always being basicaly symbiotic. I miss her every day and the gift she gave me in her death was that I own my life. Would I trade it to have her back...you bet. Will I waste it now that I have...no way. And with school, I've been in it for over 3 years and it has consumed every ounce of my time. The gift I get from school being over with is time. And it's time I don't have to fill...it's time I just have to have.
Peace and love to you all. Take time to BE. You are worth it.
KA
Thursday, July 30, 2009
DEGREE COMPLETED!!!!
Yes, it's true....I am done with school!! My class doesn't actually end until next Monday and since I've turned in my last assignment as of yesterday I'm calling it done! Here's what I learned over the past 3+ years, besides a bunch of information from my classes...if it's important to you find a way. It was important to me to get this degree and over the course of the past 3+ years I've gone through a divorce, two job changes (one to a new department and one to manager of my department), the death of my grandfather and the death of my mother. Any one of those could have derailed me and thanks to many of you and others that supported me, I persevered and can now say I have a bachelor's degree. WOW....I have a bachelor's degree!! I can't really even explain the feeling that I have right now other than I believe it is the most proud I've ever been of myself.
So....what to do with my time now? I've signed up to be a mentor for the University of Phoenix. I really want to help other people realize their educational dreams and support them through what may feel like overwhelming life changes. I've also set a goal of competing in the Danskin women's triathalon next August. Yes...I said it...a TRIATHALON! I've got a year to train and that's plenty of time. I've got the support of a bunch of people around me and I'm very excited. As we all know I'm not exactly in shape so it will be a challenge. And, it's a challenge I can make a success. Other than that...I have no idea how my time will fill up and I'm excited to see what happens.
Peace and love to you all. If you've got a dream...do what you need to do to fulfill that dream. YOU are worth it and your dreams are worth it!
KA
So....what to do with my time now? I've signed up to be a mentor for the University of Phoenix. I really want to help other people realize their educational dreams and support them through what may feel like overwhelming life changes. I've also set a goal of competing in the Danskin women's triathalon next August. Yes...I said it...a TRIATHALON! I've got a year to train and that's plenty of time. I've got the support of a bunch of people around me and I'm very excited. As we all know I'm not exactly in shape so it will be a challenge. And, it's a challenge I can make a success. Other than that...I have no idea how my time will fill up and I'm excited to see what happens.
Peace and love to you all. If you've got a dream...do what you need to do to fulfill that dream. YOU are worth it and your dreams are worth it!
KA
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Feeling drained
Gaining an authentic life and tapping into all that is available to you when you choose to own your life and your choices is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. It's very interesting. Spent time with my wonderful life coach yesterday morning and uncovered some insecurities I wasn't really expecting to verbalize. I've successfully kept some emotions covered for the better part of my life and I've done that as a mechanism for my own survival and protection. I will admit, though, that now that the bandaid is off I can look at the pain from a different perspective and start to move past it in a way that I never though possible. I don't believe in forever or long-term committments because I've never seen them work and never experienced them personally. Every significant person in my life has had the ability to walk away from me and though some have returned, the pain of the leaving isn't diminished. So, I began to believe that it was me. That I had some type of internal flaw that I couldn't see and that manifest itself in a way externally that caused people to leave. Then when I sat on my couch last night thinking more about it I realized it isn't me, it's just people living their lives. Now, my head says that and my heart hasn't quite caught up yet and I'm believing it will. I have allowed for personalization of other's actions because I didn't know another way to handle the loss. Now I can look at the little girl that's been sitting on the chair in the corner on a floor of egg shells and say...it's time for you to walk on these and cross this room and leave this pain. I can start to call to her attention that it's not her fault her parent's left and were more involved with their lives than hers. It's not her fault that she moved every two years. It's not her fault her first boyfriend died and left her with regret. And in the end, it's not her fault that she's got two failed marriages because she entered those relationships with a false sense of who she was and they were doomed from the beginning. So, here I am saying all of those things to myself and to the universe. It's not my fault that I feel alone and left alone. What is my fault is continuing to allow that to drive bad decisions, bad choices and negative self language. As Paula Cole says in a song of hers, "I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water, and I'm scared as hell but I know there's something better." I'm on the bridge...not quite half way...and I still feel I could turn around because I'm scared and I'm choosing to keep walking because life has to be better than living in the shadow of decisions made by other people that I can't go back and do anything about. All I can do is now, be, choose to change my direction now.
To God I say thank you. Thank you for the pain because through the alone I can be more appreciative of the with someone. Thank you for the pain because I can make choices that don't allow my daughter to feel the same way. Thank you for the pain because it makes me know I'm alive. And now, thank for the release and the love that you have for me. You have never left me and you never will. You've never left any of us, you are simply waiting for us to tap into what you have. Thank you for the beauty that is the people you've put in my life right now to help me navigate.
To the people who are on this journey with me in a more intimate level I say thank you. Thank you for being non judgemental and for being open and loving. I feel so supported that it is what is allowing me to change.
Love and peace to everyone. You have a choice to change and if you don't, if you don't allow the universe and God to change you, you are not living a full life and you are missing something. You are worth it to go through the pain of change. Change is the only constant to embrace it fully and enjoy it. It's growth.
KA :)
To God I say thank you. Thank you for the pain because through the alone I can be more appreciative of the with someone. Thank you for the pain because I can make choices that don't allow my daughter to feel the same way. Thank you for the pain because it makes me know I'm alive. And now, thank for the release and the love that you have for me. You have never left me and you never will. You've never left any of us, you are simply waiting for us to tap into what you have. Thank you for the beauty that is the people you've put in my life right now to help me navigate.
To the people who are on this journey with me in a more intimate level I say thank you. Thank you for being non judgemental and for being open and loving. I feel so supported that it is what is allowing me to change.
Love and peace to everyone. You have a choice to change and if you don't, if you don't allow the universe and God to change you, you are not living a full life and you are missing something. You are worth it to go through the pain of change. Change is the only constant to embrace it fully and enjoy it. It's growth.
KA :)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Mean Spirits..ggrrrr :(
Ok...why is it that children can be so mean spirited and nasty to each other? My poor little cutie came home from daycare today in tears because of other kids being mean to her. What irritates me the most about this is that she has the kindest, nicest, sweetest little heart and would never say mean things to other kids or tell secrets like others seem to do. I'm so thankful she is who she is and at the same time I'm so nervous for her heart. I want it to stay soft like it is and I'm afraid it's going to get broken over and over and then get hard and I just don't want to see that happen. I can admit that she's VERY sensitive so what she defines as "mean" is really just bratty and probably not directed specifically at her. However, it still bothers me that her perception is that kids don't like her. For those of you who know her I think you would agree that she's really very kind.
I don't think that parents understand how important it is to impart positive behaviors and habits to their children. I really feel that while I have the ability to impact the world in a positive way personally, I also have the responsibility to impact the world in a positive way through my daughter. And this year has been so tough on us that it's even more important for me to help her process the loss she's suffered. I don't think that most of you know that along with losing my mom, she also lost her best friend. Her best friend was this little girl named Natalie. Natalie's mom and my mom were really good friends and helped watch each others kids and also did arts and crafts together. Well, Natalie's mom didn't handle my mom's death very well and basically cut off all communication with us without any explanation. I've tried to contact her several times and she has never replied. So Sylvia didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Natalie or to my mom.
Alright...off my soap box. :)
Love and peace to you all. :)
KA
I don't think that parents understand how important it is to impart positive behaviors and habits to their children. I really feel that while I have the ability to impact the world in a positive way personally, I also have the responsibility to impact the world in a positive way through my daughter. And this year has been so tough on us that it's even more important for me to help her process the loss she's suffered. I don't think that most of you know that along with losing my mom, she also lost her best friend. Her best friend was this little girl named Natalie. Natalie's mom and my mom were really good friends and helped watch each others kids and also did arts and crafts together. Well, Natalie's mom didn't handle my mom's death very well and basically cut off all communication with us without any explanation. I've tried to contact her several times and she has never replied. So Sylvia didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Natalie or to my mom.
Alright...off my soap box. :)
Love and peace to you all. :)
KA
Monday, July 13, 2009
Why is Sorry so Easy to Say?
You're probably thinking...huh? Isn't the song, "sorry seems to be the hardest word?" Don't we usually hear people ask why sorry is so HARD to say? I've had two instances today that make me think we are all too apologetic for the wrong reasons.
First we need to start off with the definition of the word "sorry" per dictionary.com. It states that sorry means:
* Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy
* Regrettable or deplorable
* Sorrowful or grieved
* Wretched, poor, pitiful
* Expression of regret.
That's a heavy duty word! Here are my two scenarios today:
Situation #1...I bought a coffee for a friend and when I got to thier office, I sent a text saying I was there. 5 minutes later they hadn't walked out so I sent another text saying that I would leave the coffee by the front door. As I got out of my truck they walked out and said they just recieved the first text...5 minutes later. I later texted and said that I was sorry they didn't recieve my first text. Why?? Was it a wretched act that they didn't recieve their text? Was I feeling pity that they didn't know their coffee was there?
Situation #2...I was walking out of the restroom as someone was walking in and they looked at me and said "sorry". For what? Was it a deplorable act for us to be coming and going at the exact same moment? Were they feeling regret for having to go to the restroom?
In both of these situations the word "sorry" was misused, as far as I'm concerned. I wasn't really sorry that my friend didn't get my text. I was a little irritated that I had waited for 5 minutes and somehow I took that irritation and translated it to my fault. And was the gal walking in the bathroom really sorry? No way...nothing to be sorry for!
So, my soapbox for today is use your language deliberately. Think before you speak even if it's something as simply as sorry. If we don't really mean it we shouldn't really say it. Sorry seems to be hard to say only when it's actually appropriate to be apologetic.
Love and peace to you all. Watch your words and make sure you mean them. Be deliberate in your speech and make sure you own what you say.
KA :)
First we need to start off with the definition of the word "sorry" per dictionary.com. It states that sorry means:
* Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy
* Regrettable or deplorable
* Sorrowful or grieved
* Wretched, poor, pitiful
* Expression of regret.
That's a heavy duty word! Here are my two scenarios today:
Situation #1...I bought a coffee for a friend and when I got to thier office, I sent a text saying I was there. 5 minutes later they hadn't walked out so I sent another text saying that I would leave the coffee by the front door. As I got out of my truck they walked out and said they just recieved the first text...5 minutes later. I later texted and said that I was sorry they didn't recieve my first text. Why?? Was it a wretched act that they didn't recieve their text? Was I feeling pity that they didn't know their coffee was there?
Situation #2...I was walking out of the restroom as someone was walking in and they looked at me and said "sorry". For what? Was it a deplorable act for us to be coming and going at the exact same moment? Were they feeling regret for having to go to the restroom?
In both of these situations the word "sorry" was misused, as far as I'm concerned. I wasn't really sorry that my friend didn't get my text. I was a little irritated that I had waited for 5 minutes and somehow I took that irritation and translated it to my fault. And was the gal walking in the bathroom really sorry? No way...nothing to be sorry for!
So, my soapbox for today is use your language deliberately. Think before you speak even if it's something as simply as sorry. If we don't really mean it we shouldn't really say it. Sorry seems to be hard to say only when it's actually appropriate to be apologetic.
Love and peace to you all. Watch your words and make sure you mean them. Be deliberate in your speech and make sure you own what you say.
KA :)
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Who knew??
My lovely daughter and I were trying to figure out something to do together this morning that didn't cost an arm and a leg. So, we decided to first walk through the Renton Museum which took all of 10 minutes and that was pushing it! (No offense to the founders of Renton...not much has happened in the last 100+ years! lol) Then we walked over to the library. I forgot how relaxing a library can be and how enjoyable reading for the sake of reading can be! I've been so focused on text books for so long that I forgot reading is a wonderful gift...who knew!? As I get closer and closer to being done with school (little over 3 weeks) I'm reminded of when I was pregnant. In the beginning it was all wonderful and exciting and by the end I was sick of not being able to see my feet, get up off the couch or go more than 5 minutes without a potty break! I'm clearly at that same place with school...I want my life back. And really, I want the new life that I seem to be creating more fully. I don't want the constant voice in my head telling me that I should be reading some technical paper and not just sitting and enjoying my back yard. And...I'll be visiting the library a TON more as my desire to devour the written word is great right now.
I want to take a quick moment to honor my mom. Last week was 7 months since she passed away and though the pain has changed it hasn't lessened. The 9th of every month hits me like a ton of bricks and usually catches me off guard. For anyone reading who didn't know my mom you missed out on an incredible person. For anyone reading who did know my mom, you have a space in your life that is a little less full because she's gone. I think I posted before that my mom was a force, not a wall flower. She did what she wanted and assumed everyone around her would adapt. It never occurred to her that maybe she should adapt to others and that was her gift. My childhood was full of boyfriends and moves and interesting circumstances that, as she loved to say, made great stories. My mom had no failures or mistakes in her life ever. And when I say that I mean to its fullest extent. My mom never made a mistake or had a failure as far as she was concerned...she just had a full life that has a thousand funny stories. No matter how painful the situation she was certain a funny story would emerge from somewhere as long as you were open to seeing it. As I typed the word open just then I realized that is the best word to describe her...open. Open to every possibility and ever opportunity without the fear of failure or care of what other people would think. We all need to be more like that and I know that her spirit and zest for life is part of what is driving me to change right now. I want to have more of that spirit.
Love and peace to all. I sure hope you enjoy reading this 'cuz I'm sure enjoying writing it!
KA :)
I want to take a quick moment to honor my mom. Last week was 7 months since she passed away and though the pain has changed it hasn't lessened. The 9th of every month hits me like a ton of bricks and usually catches me off guard. For anyone reading who didn't know my mom you missed out on an incredible person. For anyone reading who did know my mom, you have a space in your life that is a little less full because she's gone. I think I posted before that my mom was a force, not a wall flower. She did what she wanted and assumed everyone around her would adapt. It never occurred to her that maybe she should adapt to others and that was her gift. My childhood was full of boyfriends and moves and interesting circumstances that, as she loved to say, made great stories. My mom had no failures or mistakes in her life ever. And when I say that I mean to its fullest extent. My mom never made a mistake or had a failure as far as she was concerned...she just had a full life that has a thousand funny stories. No matter how painful the situation she was certain a funny story would emerge from somewhere as long as you were open to seeing it. As I typed the word open just then I realized that is the best word to describe her...open. Open to every possibility and ever opportunity without the fear of failure or care of what other people would think. We all need to be more like that and I know that her spirit and zest for life is part of what is driving me to change right now. I want to have more of that spirit.
Love and peace to all. I sure hope you enjoy reading this 'cuz I'm sure enjoying writing it!
KA :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Signs?
So I'm talking with a friend last night and they keep talking about how they are looking for a "sign" to help them know what decision to make. I honestly thought about the conversation all night and realized I don't believe in signs...religious or otherwise. To me, and this is just me so I hope I don't irritate anyone, I think if you are waiting for a sign it means that you don't want to own the responsibility of making the decision. So, let's say I'm trying to decide on whether or not to buy a new truck and I'm waiting for a sign to tell me. And let's say that a day later I get a raise at work and I decide that was the sign. Then, if I buy the truck and a month later something goes wrong at home that I now can't afford because I bought a new truck, I can say that the sign was wrong or that I read the sign wrong instead of saying, oops, I made a bad decision. It just feels like waiting for signs is relying on outside forces to guide your life when really, we all have the right answer inside, we may just not want to make it. I have one predominant area that I know I need to change and I make the choice not to. I don't need a sign to tell me I need to change it....I know it.
I wanted to share some on my flying experience last week. (For those folks sharing this blog journey with me and who don't know...I hadn't flown in 22 years. No joking!) I had written into my brain that I was afraid of flying. I had no negative experience and I can't for the life of my remember why I ever thought I was unable to fly. For 22 years I continued to speak that I don't fly, or I'm afraid to fly because I'm too much of a control freak. What a silly thing to do! Anyways, a couple weeks before my flight I decided that I was going to visualize every night before going to bed the entire experience from being dropped off at the airport to arriving in Vegas. (another side note in case you don't know...your subconcious mind doesn't know how to sort the difference between actually doing something or just thinking that you're doing something. So, if you think it you subconcious mind records it as an occurence.) Then the night before I left I caught Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS talking about his new book "Excuses Be Gone" and man, that was perfect timing! He was talking about that very thing, about how we write certain things into our brains that limit what we can do. (again...to me his being on tv that night was not a sign, rather, I was just open to finding him on tv.) Anyways, all of this is to say that I hope we all think about those things we speak that are negative and rewrite that language. We all have amazing and endless possibilities and we need to stop limiting ourselves.
Love and peace to everyone! Be open....rewrite your negative language and if you can't think of how to do that....ask for help!
KA :)
I wanted to share some on my flying experience last week. (For those folks sharing this blog journey with me and who don't know...I hadn't flown in 22 years. No joking!) I had written into my brain that I was afraid of flying. I had no negative experience and I can't for the life of my remember why I ever thought I was unable to fly. For 22 years I continued to speak that I don't fly, or I'm afraid to fly because I'm too much of a control freak. What a silly thing to do! Anyways, a couple weeks before my flight I decided that I was going to visualize every night before going to bed the entire experience from being dropped off at the airport to arriving in Vegas. (another side note in case you don't know...your subconcious mind doesn't know how to sort the difference between actually doing something or just thinking that you're doing something. So, if you think it you subconcious mind records it as an occurence.) Then the night before I left I caught Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS talking about his new book "Excuses Be Gone" and man, that was perfect timing! He was talking about that very thing, about how we write certain things into our brains that limit what we can do. (again...to me his being on tv that night was not a sign, rather, I was just open to finding him on tv.) Anyways, all of this is to say that I hope we all think about those things we speak that are negative and rewrite that language. We all have amazing and endless possibilities and we need to stop limiting ourselves.
Love and peace to everyone! Be open....rewrite your negative language and if you can't think of how to do that....ask for help!
KA :)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Judge your jeans?
Do you think
To judge your jeans?
Too tight, too loose
Bright red or green.
No matter what
The size or shape,
Jeans bring us comfort
Make us feel great.
So how about
We take that love
For the denim that fits
Us like a glove
And focus on
Our other genes
And accept our eyes
May be blue and not green.
Love your genes
Cuz they're all you have,
Don't think of them
As only bad.
Embrace that you are
Who you are
And celebrate
Your inner star.
Love all, judge none
Cuz in the end
Your genes are really
Heaven sent.
Original poem written by me...Kellyann. Love yourself :)
To judge your jeans?
Too tight, too loose
Bright red or green.
No matter what
The size or shape,
Jeans bring us comfort
Make us feel great.
So how about
We take that love
For the denim that fits
Us like a glove
And focus on
Our other genes
And accept our eyes
May be blue and not green.
Love your genes
Cuz they're all you have,
Don't think of them
As only bad.
Embrace that you are
Who you are
And celebrate
Your inner star.
Love all, judge none
Cuz in the end
Your genes are really
Heaven sent.
Original poem written by me...Kellyann. Love yourself :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Where's the off button?
Have you ever had one of those days that you really wish had an off button and it just didn't? That's my day today. I'm tired...I'm tired of being a single parent....I'm tired of managing a growing department....I'm tired of doing homework....I'm tired of sleeping alone....I'm just tired. I'm tired of all the things I HAVE to do that outweigh the things I WANT to do and that's not good as it means I'm out of balance. I keep telling myself I just need to get through to August 3rd and then school is over and the world is all new and I hope that's right. I'm reminded of the movie "Parenthood" and the scene where Steve Martin and Mary Steenbergen are discussing their upcoming family expansion (she's pregnant) and they are trying to decide whether or not to go through with this addition. He asks her what she wants and she says she wants to have the baby. He flips and goes off about how nice it must be to have a choice in life because his whole life is full of "have to's". I realize, of course, we all have lives that are full of have to's and my current state of mind is just temporary. It is draining, however.
Wow...now THAT's a chipper way to start off the blog for today! LOL hahaha Hey, I guess I'm not too bad off if I'm laughing. Right? (this is where you nod and raise your fist in solidarity and say..GO GIRL!) Other than feeling tired and feeling tired of feeling tired things are moving along. On the food front I have cut back to just chicken and turkey for protien and I'm on overload for veggies. My body is likely trying to figure out how on earth to process the good stuff I keep sucking down! Not to mention all the water I'm drinking. Good grief....my body might get healthy right along with the rest of me! Let's hope so as I'm doing alot of work right now on a global scale for the planet that is Kellyann and I know that it is making some positive movement and I'm thankful. Go Bell Peppers and self realization! haha
I'll end on this note....I heard someone talking about someone homeless and they said something I'm pretty sure we've all heard a million times. Only this time it struck me that it's not actually a positive sentence. They said, "there but for the grace of God go I." As I thought about this saying I realized that it implies the person in a perceived bad situation is not covered by God's grace and if that's true then what a sad existence for all of us. I don't believe God's grace is only applicable to some and not others. I also don't believe that all people who seem in dire straights to us are really in dire straights. Sometimes the most growth in our lives comes during times when we are tested by what life brings us and for those on the outside to show pity some how minimizes the journey we all must go through. So, the next time I see someone in a situation that appears to me as if to be less than optimal, I'm going to say, "If I'm ever in that situation I pray for the strength to get up, open my heart and see what there is to learn." Oh yeah...and I'll always thank God for His grace no matter what the situation. :)
Love and peace to you all! Keep your hearts and minds open and see what fills them!!
KA
Wow...now THAT's a chipper way to start off the blog for today! LOL hahaha Hey, I guess I'm not too bad off if I'm laughing. Right? (this is where you nod and raise your fist in solidarity and say..GO GIRL!) Other than feeling tired and feeling tired of feeling tired things are moving along. On the food front I have cut back to just chicken and turkey for protien and I'm on overload for veggies. My body is likely trying to figure out how on earth to process the good stuff I keep sucking down! Not to mention all the water I'm drinking. Good grief....my body might get healthy right along with the rest of me! Let's hope so as I'm doing alot of work right now on a global scale for the planet that is Kellyann and I know that it is making some positive movement and I'm thankful. Go Bell Peppers and self realization! haha
I'll end on this note....I heard someone talking about someone homeless and they said something I'm pretty sure we've all heard a million times. Only this time it struck me that it's not actually a positive sentence. They said, "there but for the grace of God go I." As I thought about this saying I realized that it implies the person in a perceived bad situation is not covered by God's grace and if that's true then what a sad existence for all of us. I don't believe God's grace is only applicable to some and not others. I also don't believe that all people who seem in dire straights to us are really in dire straights. Sometimes the most growth in our lives comes during times when we are tested by what life brings us and for those on the outside to show pity some how minimizes the journey we all must go through. So, the next time I see someone in a situation that appears to me as if to be less than optimal, I'm going to say, "If I'm ever in that situation I pray for the strength to get up, open my heart and see what there is to learn." Oh yeah...and I'll always thank God for His grace no matter what the situation. :)
Love and peace to you all! Keep your hearts and minds open and see what fills them!!
KA
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The first day...
If you haven't seen the movie, "American Beauty", I encourage you to do so. This is not a movie you just watch while chit-chatting with someone and talking on the phone. This is a movie you listen to...you get involved in...you pay attention to...and you watch more than once. It starts out with the main character, played by Kevin Spacey, reflecting on his life. One of my favorite lines is within the first five minutes and it basically says that any day can be the first day of the rest of your life except for your last day. How powerful is that!! So, I've decided that while this may be my last day and I just don't know it yet, this morning in this is the first day of the rest of my life.
With that in mind, here's a "current state" of my life and those goals that I'm setting and putting out there for myself, and you, to hold me accountable to.
1) I'm out of shape and overweight. I don't have a particular weight I want to be, I have a body shape I want to have and that basically is a flat stomache and strong legs and arms. I also want to move back towards being a vegetarian. I need to find some alternate protein sources that I like. I'm going to start walking more and using the Wii fit more with my daughter.
2) School. I have 4 weeks of school left and while I was starting to lose my devotion to my classes, I'm back on track. I'll admit that these last few classes have been really technical and a little over my head so I've been settling for low grades, which is not like me.
3) An authentic life. I had stopped meeting with my life coach because I was feeling overwhelmed and that I couldn't face everything I was trying to work through. Now I know that that was a defense mechanism to allow myself to stay in the rut and not push through to get out and have a more authentic life. I'm going to be recommitted to working with her and getting to the place I want to be which is more peaceful, more open to life and more positive.
I have a bunch of other things I want to work on and I've learned that if I bite off more than I can chew I just spit it all out and I don't want to do that so I'm stopping with the above. As these things come to closure, it will open up time and space for me to address other things and that's just fine. :)
Now for a quick digression...an update for those interested on Sylvia. We went to see the Jonas Brothers a couple Sunday's ago. WOW! It was her first concert. All in all they have a really good show. The biggest problem was that they have 3 opening bands and so by the time they actually started we had been sitting in our seats for 90 minutes. It was a bit much. It was hysterical to see all of the little girls just dressed to the hilt with the hope that they would get to be seen by one of the boys. We were up in the nose bleed section so unless they have some kind of awesome vision, we weren't getting seen. lol She's also very excited about being a second grader next year. She truly is the best thing in my life and I'm in a continual state of pride about her and the person she is becomming. Children really can be the way we make a permanent impact on the world and I believe God has given her a heart that is larger and more caring than most people no matter what age. She loves deeply and I pray all the time that God shields her heart so that it doesn't get hard.
Ok...I'm off to do some home work and house work and get ready for the week.
Love and blessings to everyone!
KA :)
ps...here's a challenge for you this week...stop using the word "but" in your language. That word has an inherent negativity AND we should all seek to get more positive. Instead of using "but" either think of another way to say the sentence or just simply end the sentence. Let me know if you do it and what you think!!
With that in mind, here's a "current state" of my life and those goals that I'm setting and putting out there for myself, and you, to hold me accountable to.
1) I'm out of shape and overweight. I don't have a particular weight I want to be, I have a body shape I want to have and that basically is a flat stomache and strong legs and arms. I also want to move back towards being a vegetarian. I need to find some alternate protein sources that I like. I'm going to start walking more and using the Wii fit more with my daughter.
2) School. I have 4 weeks of school left and while I was starting to lose my devotion to my classes, I'm back on track. I'll admit that these last few classes have been really technical and a little over my head so I've been settling for low grades, which is not like me.
3) An authentic life. I had stopped meeting with my life coach because I was feeling overwhelmed and that I couldn't face everything I was trying to work through. Now I know that that was a defense mechanism to allow myself to stay in the rut and not push through to get out and have a more authentic life. I'm going to be recommitted to working with her and getting to the place I want to be which is more peaceful, more open to life and more positive.
I have a bunch of other things I want to work on and I've learned that if I bite off more than I can chew I just spit it all out and I don't want to do that so I'm stopping with the above. As these things come to closure, it will open up time and space for me to address other things and that's just fine. :)
Now for a quick digression...an update for those interested on Sylvia. We went to see the Jonas Brothers a couple Sunday's ago. WOW! It was her first concert. All in all they have a really good show. The biggest problem was that they have 3 opening bands and so by the time they actually started we had been sitting in our seats for 90 minutes. It was a bit much. It was hysterical to see all of the little girls just dressed to the hilt with the hope that they would get to be seen by one of the boys. We were up in the nose bleed section so unless they have some kind of awesome vision, we weren't getting seen. lol She's also very excited about being a second grader next year. She truly is the best thing in my life and I'm in a continual state of pride about her and the person she is becomming. Children really can be the way we make a permanent impact on the world and I believe God has given her a heart that is larger and more caring than most people no matter what age. She loves deeply and I pray all the time that God shields her heart so that it doesn't get hard.
Ok...I'm off to do some home work and house work and get ready for the week.
Love and blessings to everyone!
KA :)
ps...here's a challenge for you this week...stop using the word "but" in your language. That word has an inherent negativity AND we should all seek to get more positive. Instead of using "but" either think of another way to say the sentence or just simply end the sentence. Let me know if you do it and what you think!!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
First entry!!
Hi~
Ok...so I'm starting a blog for a few reasons:
1) Life is a journey and I want to share my path.
2) I want to document my journey for myself to see where I'm at and where I've been.
3) I want to be able to share what's going on with friends/family.
4) Just because. :)
2009 has been a HUGE year for me personally, as well as for my family. It carried over some sadness from 2008 with the unexpected passing of my best friend, my mom. She was an amazing person who did amazing and zany things in her life and I'll be forever grateful for all she was and all she'll continue to be in spirit through me and anyone she knew. She wasn't a wall flower...if you met her you remembered her. You either remember her loud laugh, her ability to share what some would consider a failure as only an experience or her box of wine. :)
The next big step for me was working with a life coach. Now I know, some of you are either saying, "has she gone new age??" or "what's a life coach?" To answer the first, nope, not new agey, just trying to live an authentic life in which I am self aware and engaged at all times. I want to own my life and make sure I understand why I do what I do and understand the choices that I am making. I'm still a Christian, I'm just trying to exercise my right to free will in a way where I am being responsible, open and aware of what I'm doing. There is alot going on in the world and I want to be sure I know what's happening in my sphere of influence. Not because I am seeking to be in control, because I'm not. Rather, because I am seeking to be present and not be controlled by situations. And to answer the second, a life coach is a beautiful partner in the journey of life. Life is clearly a journey and a situation where we have many options and decisions to make. My life coach is someone I can call or text or email when I'm not quite sure what the decision is or when I know exactly what the decision is and I need some support with following through. I don't believe in coincidence or things happening for no reason and sometimes I, and we, need that other person to walk with us to try to understand what's happening and why. My life coach is amazing and I'm thankful for her and her spirit. I truly believe God put her in my life. (I know that some of you are now praying for me 'cuz you think I've gone off the deep end but trust me....I haven't.)
The next milestone in my life was turning 40 years old. I have to say, I have been looking forward to being 40 for quite some time and now that it is here I really do feel a sense of pride and ownership in my life that I didn't feel before. I don't feel old and I don't act old. I feel like I now have the right to say yes or no to whatever and not have to make an excuse or give a reason if I don't want to. If only I had felt that way before because that right was there all along, I just didn't embrace it. (Side note....if you're younger than 40 and reading this...Please embrace your ability to live your life the way you want to right now. Don't wait until you're any particular age. And if you're older than 40 and you don't feel this way, do whatever you have to to change how you see your life. Life is too short to waste.)
The last major milestone of 2009 so far is that I got on a plane for the first time in 22 years!! I had decided somewhere along the way that I was afraid of planes and elevators. What a crazy thing to decide! So, I got on a plance, flew to a wonderful place and stayed on the 23rd floor. I have decided that I'm not going to live my life bound by limitations because that's not living. I was watching Dr.Wayne Dyer last week and he has a new book out that talks about how we all create these excuses for why we can't be happy, or can't do what we want, or can't have what we want and all we do is limit our lives. No more excuses for me!
So...as you can clearly see, 2009 has been a break-through year for me and I'm planning on keeping that going. I'll be blogging about my weight, my fears, my dreams and whatever else I feel like. I'm going to keep folks anonymous in my stories but trust me, I'm my mother's daughter so I'll have some stories!!
Thank for reading and I hope you read more. I'm hoping to post on here a couple times a week or so. Not making any promises though. :)
Remember what John Lennon said...life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Don't let life happen to you....you happen to life!
Love and blessings to you!
KA
Ok...so I'm starting a blog for a few reasons:
1) Life is a journey and I want to share my path.
2) I want to document my journey for myself to see where I'm at and where I've been.
3) I want to be able to share what's going on with friends/family.
4) Just because. :)
2009 has been a HUGE year for me personally, as well as for my family. It carried over some sadness from 2008 with the unexpected passing of my best friend, my mom. She was an amazing person who did amazing and zany things in her life and I'll be forever grateful for all she was and all she'll continue to be in spirit through me and anyone she knew. She wasn't a wall flower...if you met her you remembered her. You either remember her loud laugh, her ability to share what some would consider a failure as only an experience or her box of wine. :)
The next big step for me was working with a life coach. Now I know, some of you are either saying, "has she gone new age??" or "what's a life coach?" To answer the first, nope, not new agey, just trying to live an authentic life in which I am self aware and engaged at all times. I want to own my life and make sure I understand why I do what I do and understand the choices that I am making. I'm still a Christian, I'm just trying to exercise my right to free will in a way where I am being responsible, open and aware of what I'm doing. There is alot going on in the world and I want to be sure I know what's happening in my sphere of influence. Not because I am seeking to be in control, because I'm not. Rather, because I am seeking to be present and not be controlled by situations. And to answer the second, a life coach is a beautiful partner in the journey of life. Life is clearly a journey and a situation where we have many options and decisions to make. My life coach is someone I can call or text or email when I'm not quite sure what the decision is or when I know exactly what the decision is and I need some support with following through. I don't believe in coincidence or things happening for no reason and sometimes I, and we, need that other person to walk with us to try to understand what's happening and why. My life coach is amazing and I'm thankful for her and her spirit. I truly believe God put her in my life. (I know that some of you are now praying for me 'cuz you think I've gone off the deep end but trust me....I haven't.)
The next milestone in my life was turning 40 years old. I have to say, I have been looking forward to being 40 for quite some time and now that it is here I really do feel a sense of pride and ownership in my life that I didn't feel before. I don't feel old and I don't act old. I feel like I now have the right to say yes or no to whatever and not have to make an excuse or give a reason if I don't want to. If only I had felt that way before because that right was there all along, I just didn't embrace it. (Side note....if you're younger than 40 and reading this...Please embrace your ability to live your life the way you want to right now. Don't wait until you're any particular age. And if you're older than 40 and you don't feel this way, do whatever you have to to change how you see your life. Life is too short to waste.)
The last major milestone of 2009 so far is that I got on a plane for the first time in 22 years!! I had decided somewhere along the way that I was afraid of planes and elevators. What a crazy thing to decide! So, I got on a plance, flew to a wonderful place and stayed on the 23rd floor. I have decided that I'm not going to live my life bound by limitations because that's not living. I was watching Dr.Wayne Dyer last week and he has a new book out that talks about how we all create these excuses for why we can't be happy, or can't do what we want, or can't have what we want and all we do is limit our lives. No more excuses for me!
So...as you can clearly see, 2009 has been a break-through year for me and I'm planning on keeping that going. I'll be blogging about my weight, my fears, my dreams and whatever else I feel like. I'm going to keep folks anonymous in my stories but trust me, I'm my mother's daughter so I'll have some stories!!
Thank for reading and I hope you read more. I'm hoping to post on here a couple times a week or so. Not making any promises though. :)
Remember what John Lennon said...life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Don't let life happen to you....you happen to life!
Love and blessings to you!
KA
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