Gaining an authentic life and tapping into all that is available to you when you choose to own your life and your choices is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. It's very interesting. Spent time with my wonderful life coach yesterday morning and uncovered some insecurities I wasn't really expecting to verbalize. I've successfully kept some emotions covered for the better part of my life and I've done that as a mechanism for my own survival and protection. I will admit, though, that now that the bandaid is off I can look at the pain from a different perspective and start to move past it in a way that I never though possible. I don't believe in forever or long-term committments because I've never seen them work and never experienced them personally. Every significant person in my life has had the ability to walk away from me and though some have returned, the pain of the leaving isn't diminished. So, I began to believe that it was me. That I had some type of internal flaw that I couldn't see and that manifest itself in a way externally that caused people to leave. Then when I sat on my couch last night thinking more about it I realized it isn't me, it's just people living their lives. Now, my head says that and my heart hasn't quite caught up yet and I'm believing it will. I have allowed for personalization of other's actions because I didn't know another way to handle the loss. Now I can look at the little girl that's been sitting on the chair in the corner on a floor of egg shells and say...it's time for you to walk on these and cross this room and leave this pain. I can start to call to her attention that it's not her fault her parent's left and were more involved with their lives than hers. It's not her fault that she moved every two years. It's not her fault her first boyfriend died and left her with regret. And in the end, it's not her fault that she's got two failed marriages because she entered those relationships with a false sense of who she was and they were doomed from the beginning. So, here I am saying all of those things to myself and to the universe. It's not my fault that I feel alone and left alone. What is my fault is continuing to allow that to drive bad decisions, bad choices and negative self language. As Paula Cole says in a song of hers, "I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water, and I'm scared as hell but I know there's something better." I'm on the bridge...not quite half way...and I still feel I could turn around because I'm scared and I'm choosing to keep walking because life has to be better than living in the shadow of decisions made by other people that I can't go back and do anything about. All I can do is now, be, choose to change my direction now.
To God I say thank you. Thank you for the pain because through the alone I can be more appreciative of the with someone. Thank you for the pain because I can make choices that don't allow my daughter to feel the same way. Thank you for the pain because it makes me know I'm alive. And now, thank for the release and the love that you have for me. You have never left me and you never will. You've never left any of us, you are simply waiting for us to tap into what you have. Thank you for the beauty that is the people you've put in my life right now to help me navigate.
To the people who are on this journey with me in a more intimate level I say thank you. Thank you for being non judgemental and for being open and loving. I feel so supported that it is what is allowing me to change.
Love and peace to everyone. You have a choice to change and if you don't, if you don't allow the universe and God to change you, you are not living a full life and you are missing something. You are worth it to go through the pain of change. Change is the only constant to embrace it fully and enjoy it. It's growth.
KA :)
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