The sea refuses no river

So I spent this past weekend at the ocean. (I also spent some time last weekend at the ocean but not the whole weekend.) The soundtrack in my head was a song by Pete Townshend called, "The Sea Refuses no River." The whole point of the song is that our lives will flow as they are supposed to no matter what gets in the way or no matter what shape the river banks are in. There is never a time when the sea will refuse to take the water coming to it in the river. To me, this is our destiny and how we get there. We all have a path and a purpose and though it may not be a straight shot, our river will wind around and eventually join with the sea. Again, it's about being and not worrying about how.

As I was sitting on the beach yesterday and watching the waves crash in I was again reminded that worrying and planning don't do any good. Those waves don't wonder how they'll crash or where they'll crash or even THAT they'll crash....they just crash. The tide doesn't look at some clock and say...ok, time to come in now! The rocks don't just one day say...I'm tired of being tossed around so I'm going to stay here today. It all has a perfect, universal rhythm and it all works without worrying about processes and outcomes. The water just is and it's just fulfilling its purpose. The rocks just are and they're just fulfilling their purpose. It's beautiful and magical and utter full of life and mystery.

I had some great time with my dad. My dad and I had a tumultous time when I couldn't stand him and he was, I'm certain, overly frustrated with me. Probably typical stuff and it was made more difficult because I moved all over the place with my mom. Now, thankfully, my dad and I are really tight. And it's been happening for the past few years and I'm blessed. He calls me every Tuesday morning to check in and we also talk/email throughout the week. We got to take a couple good walks together this weekend which was lovely. He asked me what I think about when there's nothing to think about. It was an interesting question and so I answered with...I think about being. I shared with him a little bit of my journey and I expected cynicism and I got support and encouragement. Awesome!

I also got to have some fun time with my daughter. We flew kites, we climbed on rocks, we played in the freezing cold water. I tried to do whatever it was that she wanted and we had fun. :)

Peace and love to you all. Be the water...fulfill your destiny don't try to make your destiny. It'll come to you just as the river flows to sea as long as your open to it.

KA :)

Triatalon

Ok...so I don't remember if I put in a previous post that I'm planning on participating in a triathalon next August. Yes...me...non athlete. As I look at what I want to do in the future and what I want to become, healthy is one of those things. Along with healthy comes athletic and I'm excited about the changes that will come from that.

So...I'm throwing it out there now that anyone reading this has permission to ask me how my training is going. I'm going to blog about it as a means of bringing you along in this journey, a way of documenting the transformation and a way to show that it can be done. :)

Here's my current state....I am 100 pounds over weight, if I walk too long my back hurts and the pinched nerve I have makes my outer thigh go numb, I haven't riden a bike in 15 years. However, none of that is going to stop me from meeting the goal of the triathalon. To be wholey healthy I have to do the physical work as well as the emotional work so here we go!!

Peace and love to all. It's never too late to set a goal no matter how far off the mark you currently are. :)

KA

Be...just BE

Have you ever sat somewhere and just existed? No real thoughts, just listening to yourself breathe, listening to what's going on around you, listening to you heart. There was a time not too long ago when a very special person challenged me to just sit for 5 minutes a day and I nearly had an anxiety attack just at the suggestion. What would I DO? So when I tried it I was horrified at the experience. I was fidgity and was certain someone poured peanut butter all over the clock because that was the SLOWEST five minutes of my life. Now I love it! There is freedom in just being...just existing. We are all so driven to do, do, do and we don't value the being. How many times have you been asked, "so, what do you DO?" Let's all stop asking that and start asking, "so, WHO are YOU?" I don't want to know what you do for work, I want to know who you are. When I get to know who you are I get to care about you as a person. And if you can't answer the second question then you need to spend time with yourself and just be.

The second piece of this journey to being for me is accepting that endings are just beginnings. Endings are the negative side of the transaction...beginnings are exciting and new. The 16th verse of the Tao is awesome and so I thought I would share it with you:

"Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace. Amidst the rush of wordly comings and goings observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the Source...to what is and what is to be. To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny. To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant. To know the constant is called insight. Not knowing this cycle leads to disaster. Knowing the constant givers perspective. This perspective is impartial. Impartiality is the highest nobility; the highest nobility is Divine. Being Divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. This way is everlasting, not endangered by physical death. "

So, as I look at life now without my mom and without school I realize I have two choices. I could focus on the end of these two and be sad and depressed and feel lost. Or, I can focus on the beginning that is resulting from these two. The beginning is that I'm now in a position to own my life fully and embrace all that it means. I can make choices with only myself, and of course my daughter, in mind and no one else. It's a life I never imagined I would have and while it is scary it is also awesome. I figured my mom and I would be the Golden Girls. Living together forever and always being basicaly symbiotic. I miss her every day and the gift she gave me in her death was that I own my life. Would I trade it to have her back...you bet. Will I waste it now that I have...no way. And with school, I've been in it for over 3 years and it has consumed every ounce of my time. The gift I get from school being over with is time. And it's time I don't have to fill...it's time I just have to have.

Peace and love to you all. Take time to BE. You are worth it.

KA