Be...just BE

Have you ever sat somewhere and just existed? No real thoughts, just listening to yourself breathe, listening to what's going on around you, listening to you heart. There was a time not too long ago when a very special person challenged me to just sit for 5 minutes a day and I nearly had an anxiety attack just at the suggestion. What would I DO? So when I tried it I was horrified at the experience. I was fidgity and was certain someone poured peanut butter all over the clock because that was the SLOWEST five minutes of my life. Now I love it! There is freedom in just being...just existing. We are all so driven to do, do, do and we don't value the being. How many times have you been asked, "so, what do you DO?" Let's all stop asking that and start asking, "so, WHO are YOU?" I don't want to know what you do for work, I want to know who you are. When I get to know who you are I get to care about you as a person. And if you can't answer the second question then you need to spend time with yourself and just be.

The second piece of this journey to being for me is accepting that endings are just beginnings. Endings are the negative side of the transaction...beginnings are exciting and new. The 16th verse of the Tao is awesome and so I thought I would share it with you:

"Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace. Amidst the rush of wordly comings and goings observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the Source...to what is and what is to be. To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny. To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant. To know the constant is called insight. Not knowing this cycle leads to disaster. Knowing the constant givers perspective. This perspective is impartial. Impartiality is the highest nobility; the highest nobility is Divine. Being Divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. This way is everlasting, not endangered by physical death. "

So, as I look at life now without my mom and without school I realize I have two choices. I could focus on the end of these two and be sad and depressed and feel lost. Or, I can focus on the beginning that is resulting from these two. The beginning is that I'm now in a position to own my life fully and embrace all that it means. I can make choices with only myself, and of course my daughter, in mind and no one else. It's a life I never imagined I would have and while it is scary it is also awesome. I figured my mom and I would be the Golden Girls. Living together forever and always being basicaly symbiotic. I miss her every day and the gift she gave me in her death was that I own my life. Would I trade it to have her back...you bet. Will I waste it now that I have...no way. And with school, I've been in it for over 3 years and it has consumed every ounce of my time. The gift I get from school being over with is time. And it's time I don't have to fill...it's time I just have to have.

Peace and love to you all. Take time to BE. You are worth it.

KA