So I spent this past weekend at the ocean. (I also spent some time last weekend at the ocean but not the whole weekend.) The soundtrack in my head was a song by Pete Townshend called, "The Sea Refuses no River." The whole point of the song is that our lives will flow as they are supposed to no matter what gets in the way or no matter what shape the river banks are in. There is never a time when the sea will refuse to take the water coming to it in the river. To me, this is our destiny and how we get there. We all have a path and a purpose and though it may not be a straight shot, our river will wind around and eventually join with the sea. Again, it's about being and not worrying about how.
As I was sitting on the beach yesterday and watching the waves crash in I was again reminded that worrying and planning don't do any good. Those waves don't wonder how they'll crash or where they'll crash or even THAT they'll crash....they just crash. The tide doesn't look at some clock and say...ok, time to come in now! The rocks don't just one day say...I'm tired of being tossed around so I'm going to stay here today. It all has a perfect, universal rhythm and it all works without worrying about processes and outcomes. The water just is and it's just fulfilling its purpose. The rocks just are and they're just fulfilling their purpose. It's beautiful and magical and utter full of life and mystery.
I had some great time with my dad. My dad and I had a tumultous time when I couldn't stand him and he was, I'm certain, overly frustrated with me. Probably typical stuff and it was made more difficult because I moved all over the place with my mom. Now, thankfully, my dad and I are really tight. And it's been happening for the past few years and I'm blessed. He calls me every Tuesday morning to check in and we also talk/email throughout the week. We got to take a couple good walks together this weekend which was lovely. He asked me what I think about when there's nothing to think about. It was an interesting question and so I answered with...I think about being. I shared with him a little bit of my journey and I expected cynicism and I got support and encouragement. Awesome!
I also got to have some fun time with my daughter. We flew kites, we climbed on rocks, we played in the freezing cold water. I tried to do whatever it was that she wanted and we had fun. :)
Peace and love to you all. Be the water...fulfill your destiny don't try to make your destiny. It'll come to you just as the river flows to sea as long as your open to it.
KA :)
Monday, August 10, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Triatalon
Ok...so I don't remember if I put in a previous post that I'm planning on participating in a triathalon next August. Yes...me...non athlete. As I look at what I want to do in the future and what I want to become, healthy is one of those things. Along with healthy comes athletic and I'm excited about the changes that will come from that.
So...I'm throwing it out there now that anyone reading this has permission to ask me how my training is going. I'm going to blog about it as a means of bringing you along in this journey, a way of documenting the transformation and a way to show that it can be done. :)
Here's my current state....I am 100 pounds over weight, if I walk too long my back hurts and the pinched nerve I have makes my outer thigh go numb, I haven't riden a bike in 15 years. However, none of that is going to stop me from meeting the goal of the triathalon. To be wholey healthy I have to do the physical work as well as the emotional work so here we go!!
Peace and love to all. It's never too late to set a goal no matter how far off the mark you currently are. :)
KA
So...I'm throwing it out there now that anyone reading this has permission to ask me how my training is going. I'm going to blog about it as a means of bringing you along in this journey, a way of documenting the transformation and a way to show that it can be done. :)
Here's my current state....I am 100 pounds over weight, if I walk too long my back hurts and the pinched nerve I have makes my outer thigh go numb, I haven't riden a bike in 15 years. However, none of that is going to stop me from meeting the goal of the triathalon. To be wholey healthy I have to do the physical work as well as the emotional work so here we go!!
Peace and love to all. It's never too late to set a goal no matter how far off the mark you currently are. :)
KA
Be...just BE
Have you ever sat somewhere and just existed? No real thoughts, just listening to yourself breathe, listening to what's going on around you, listening to you heart. There was a time not too long ago when a very special person challenged me to just sit for 5 minutes a day and I nearly had an anxiety attack just at the suggestion. What would I DO? So when I tried it I was horrified at the experience. I was fidgity and was certain someone poured peanut butter all over the clock because that was the SLOWEST five minutes of my life. Now I love it! There is freedom in just being...just existing. We are all so driven to do, do, do and we don't value the being. How many times have you been asked, "so, what do you DO?" Let's all stop asking that and start asking, "so, WHO are YOU?" I don't want to know what you do for work, I want to know who you are. When I get to know who you are I get to care about you as a person. And if you can't answer the second question then you need to spend time with yourself and just be.
The second piece of this journey to being for me is accepting that endings are just beginnings. Endings are the negative side of the transaction...beginnings are exciting and new. The 16th verse of the Tao is awesome and so I thought I would share it with you:
"Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace. Amidst the rush of wordly comings and goings observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the Source...to what is and what is to be. To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny. To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant. To know the constant is called insight. Not knowing this cycle leads to disaster. Knowing the constant givers perspective. This perspective is impartial. Impartiality is the highest nobility; the highest nobility is Divine. Being Divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. This way is everlasting, not endangered by physical death. "
So, as I look at life now without my mom and without school I realize I have two choices. I could focus on the end of these two and be sad and depressed and feel lost. Or, I can focus on the beginning that is resulting from these two. The beginning is that I'm now in a position to own my life fully and embrace all that it means. I can make choices with only myself, and of course my daughter, in mind and no one else. It's a life I never imagined I would have and while it is scary it is also awesome. I figured my mom and I would be the Golden Girls. Living together forever and always being basicaly symbiotic. I miss her every day and the gift she gave me in her death was that I own my life. Would I trade it to have her back...you bet. Will I waste it now that I have...no way. And with school, I've been in it for over 3 years and it has consumed every ounce of my time. The gift I get from school being over with is time. And it's time I don't have to fill...it's time I just have to have.
Peace and love to you all. Take time to BE. You are worth it.
KA
The second piece of this journey to being for me is accepting that endings are just beginnings. Endings are the negative side of the transaction...beginnings are exciting and new. The 16th verse of the Tao is awesome and so I thought I would share it with you:
"Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace. Amidst the rush of wordly comings and goings observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the Source...to what is and what is to be. To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny. To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant. To know the constant is called insight. Not knowing this cycle leads to disaster. Knowing the constant givers perspective. This perspective is impartial. Impartiality is the highest nobility; the highest nobility is Divine. Being Divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. This way is everlasting, not endangered by physical death. "
So, as I look at life now without my mom and without school I realize I have two choices. I could focus on the end of these two and be sad and depressed and feel lost. Or, I can focus on the beginning that is resulting from these two. The beginning is that I'm now in a position to own my life fully and embrace all that it means. I can make choices with only myself, and of course my daughter, in mind and no one else. It's a life I never imagined I would have and while it is scary it is also awesome. I figured my mom and I would be the Golden Girls. Living together forever and always being basicaly symbiotic. I miss her every day and the gift she gave me in her death was that I own my life. Would I trade it to have her back...you bet. Will I waste it now that I have...no way. And with school, I've been in it for over 3 years and it has consumed every ounce of my time. The gift I get from school being over with is time. And it's time I don't have to fill...it's time I just have to have.
Peace and love to you all. Take time to BE. You are worth it.
KA
Thursday, July 30, 2009
DEGREE COMPLETED!!!!
Yes, it's true....I am done with school!! My class doesn't actually end until next Monday and since I've turned in my last assignment as of yesterday I'm calling it done! Here's what I learned over the past 3+ years, besides a bunch of information from my classes...if it's important to you find a way. It was important to me to get this degree and over the course of the past 3+ years I've gone through a divorce, two job changes (one to a new department and one to manager of my department), the death of my grandfather and the death of my mother. Any one of those could have derailed me and thanks to many of you and others that supported me, I persevered and can now say I have a bachelor's degree. WOW....I have a bachelor's degree!! I can't really even explain the feeling that I have right now other than I believe it is the most proud I've ever been of myself.
So....what to do with my time now? I've signed up to be a mentor for the University of Phoenix. I really want to help other people realize their educational dreams and support them through what may feel like overwhelming life changes. I've also set a goal of competing in the Danskin women's triathalon next August. Yes...I said it...a TRIATHALON! I've got a year to train and that's plenty of time. I've got the support of a bunch of people around me and I'm very excited. As we all know I'm not exactly in shape so it will be a challenge. And, it's a challenge I can make a success. Other than that...I have no idea how my time will fill up and I'm excited to see what happens.
Peace and love to you all. If you've got a dream...do what you need to do to fulfill that dream. YOU are worth it and your dreams are worth it!
KA
So....what to do with my time now? I've signed up to be a mentor for the University of Phoenix. I really want to help other people realize their educational dreams and support them through what may feel like overwhelming life changes. I've also set a goal of competing in the Danskin women's triathalon next August. Yes...I said it...a TRIATHALON! I've got a year to train and that's plenty of time. I've got the support of a bunch of people around me and I'm very excited. As we all know I'm not exactly in shape so it will be a challenge. And, it's a challenge I can make a success. Other than that...I have no idea how my time will fill up and I'm excited to see what happens.
Peace and love to you all. If you've got a dream...do what you need to do to fulfill that dream. YOU are worth it and your dreams are worth it!
KA
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Feeling drained
Gaining an authentic life and tapping into all that is available to you when you choose to own your life and your choices is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. It's very interesting. Spent time with my wonderful life coach yesterday morning and uncovered some insecurities I wasn't really expecting to verbalize. I've successfully kept some emotions covered for the better part of my life and I've done that as a mechanism for my own survival and protection. I will admit, though, that now that the bandaid is off I can look at the pain from a different perspective and start to move past it in a way that I never though possible. I don't believe in forever or long-term committments because I've never seen them work and never experienced them personally. Every significant person in my life has had the ability to walk away from me and though some have returned, the pain of the leaving isn't diminished. So, I began to believe that it was me. That I had some type of internal flaw that I couldn't see and that manifest itself in a way externally that caused people to leave. Then when I sat on my couch last night thinking more about it I realized it isn't me, it's just people living their lives. Now, my head says that and my heart hasn't quite caught up yet and I'm believing it will. I have allowed for personalization of other's actions because I didn't know another way to handle the loss. Now I can look at the little girl that's been sitting on the chair in the corner on a floor of egg shells and say...it's time for you to walk on these and cross this room and leave this pain. I can start to call to her attention that it's not her fault her parent's left and were more involved with their lives than hers. It's not her fault that she moved every two years. It's not her fault her first boyfriend died and left her with regret. And in the end, it's not her fault that she's got two failed marriages because she entered those relationships with a false sense of who she was and they were doomed from the beginning. So, here I am saying all of those things to myself and to the universe. It's not my fault that I feel alone and left alone. What is my fault is continuing to allow that to drive bad decisions, bad choices and negative self language. As Paula Cole says in a song of hers, "I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water, and I'm scared as hell but I know there's something better." I'm on the bridge...not quite half way...and I still feel I could turn around because I'm scared and I'm choosing to keep walking because life has to be better than living in the shadow of decisions made by other people that I can't go back and do anything about. All I can do is now, be, choose to change my direction now.
To God I say thank you. Thank you for the pain because through the alone I can be more appreciative of the with someone. Thank you for the pain because I can make choices that don't allow my daughter to feel the same way. Thank you for the pain because it makes me know I'm alive. And now, thank for the release and the love that you have for me. You have never left me and you never will. You've never left any of us, you are simply waiting for us to tap into what you have. Thank you for the beauty that is the people you've put in my life right now to help me navigate.
To the people who are on this journey with me in a more intimate level I say thank you. Thank you for being non judgemental and for being open and loving. I feel so supported that it is what is allowing me to change.
Love and peace to everyone. You have a choice to change and if you don't, if you don't allow the universe and God to change you, you are not living a full life and you are missing something. You are worth it to go through the pain of change. Change is the only constant to embrace it fully and enjoy it. It's growth.
KA :)
To God I say thank you. Thank you for the pain because through the alone I can be more appreciative of the with someone. Thank you for the pain because I can make choices that don't allow my daughter to feel the same way. Thank you for the pain because it makes me know I'm alive. And now, thank for the release and the love that you have for me. You have never left me and you never will. You've never left any of us, you are simply waiting for us to tap into what you have. Thank you for the beauty that is the people you've put in my life right now to help me navigate.
To the people who are on this journey with me in a more intimate level I say thank you. Thank you for being non judgemental and for being open and loving. I feel so supported that it is what is allowing me to change.
Love and peace to everyone. You have a choice to change and if you don't, if you don't allow the universe and God to change you, you are not living a full life and you are missing something. You are worth it to go through the pain of change. Change is the only constant to embrace it fully and enjoy it. It's growth.
KA :)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Mean Spirits..ggrrrr :(
Ok...why is it that children can be so mean spirited and nasty to each other? My poor little cutie came home from daycare today in tears because of other kids being mean to her. What irritates me the most about this is that she has the kindest, nicest, sweetest little heart and would never say mean things to other kids or tell secrets like others seem to do. I'm so thankful she is who she is and at the same time I'm so nervous for her heart. I want it to stay soft like it is and I'm afraid it's going to get broken over and over and then get hard and I just don't want to see that happen. I can admit that she's VERY sensitive so what she defines as "mean" is really just bratty and probably not directed specifically at her. However, it still bothers me that her perception is that kids don't like her. For those of you who know her I think you would agree that she's really very kind.
I don't think that parents understand how important it is to impart positive behaviors and habits to their children. I really feel that while I have the ability to impact the world in a positive way personally, I also have the responsibility to impact the world in a positive way through my daughter. And this year has been so tough on us that it's even more important for me to help her process the loss she's suffered. I don't think that most of you know that along with losing my mom, she also lost her best friend. Her best friend was this little girl named Natalie. Natalie's mom and my mom were really good friends and helped watch each others kids and also did arts and crafts together. Well, Natalie's mom didn't handle my mom's death very well and basically cut off all communication with us without any explanation. I've tried to contact her several times and she has never replied. So Sylvia didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Natalie or to my mom.
Alright...off my soap box. :)
Love and peace to you all. :)
KA
I don't think that parents understand how important it is to impart positive behaviors and habits to their children. I really feel that while I have the ability to impact the world in a positive way personally, I also have the responsibility to impact the world in a positive way through my daughter. And this year has been so tough on us that it's even more important for me to help her process the loss she's suffered. I don't think that most of you know that along with losing my mom, she also lost her best friend. Her best friend was this little girl named Natalie. Natalie's mom and my mom were really good friends and helped watch each others kids and also did arts and crafts together. Well, Natalie's mom didn't handle my mom's death very well and basically cut off all communication with us without any explanation. I've tried to contact her several times and she has never replied. So Sylvia didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Natalie or to my mom.
Alright...off my soap box. :)
Love and peace to you all. :)
KA
Monday, July 13, 2009
Why is Sorry so Easy to Say?
You're probably thinking...huh? Isn't the song, "sorry seems to be the hardest word?" Don't we usually hear people ask why sorry is so HARD to say? I've had two instances today that make me think we are all too apologetic for the wrong reasons.
First we need to start off with the definition of the word "sorry" per dictionary.com. It states that sorry means:
* Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy
* Regrettable or deplorable
* Sorrowful or grieved
* Wretched, poor, pitiful
* Expression of regret.
That's a heavy duty word! Here are my two scenarios today:
Situation #1...I bought a coffee for a friend and when I got to thier office, I sent a text saying I was there. 5 minutes later they hadn't walked out so I sent another text saying that I would leave the coffee by the front door. As I got out of my truck they walked out and said they just recieved the first text...5 minutes later. I later texted and said that I was sorry they didn't recieve my first text. Why?? Was it a wretched act that they didn't recieve their text? Was I feeling pity that they didn't know their coffee was there?
Situation #2...I was walking out of the restroom as someone was walking in and they looked at me and said "sorry". For what? Was it a deplorable act for us to be coming and going at the exact same moment? Were they feeling regret for having to go to the restroom?
In both of these situations the word "sorry" was misused, as far as I'm concerned. I wasn't really sorry that my friend didn't get my text. I was a little irritated that I had waited for 5 minutes and somehow I took that irritation and translated it to my fault. And was the gal walking in the bathroom really sorry? No way...nothing to be sorry for!
So, my soapbox for today is use your language deliberately. Think before you speak even if it's something as simply as sorry. If we don't really mean it we shouldn't really say it. Sorry seems to be hard to say only when it's actually appropriate to be apologetic.
Love and peace to you all. Watch your words and make sure you mean them. Be deliberate in your speech and make sure you own what you say.
KA :)
First we need to start off with the definition of the word "sorry" per dictionary.com. It states that sorry means:
* Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy
* Regrettable or deplorable
* Sorrowful or grieved
* Wretched, poor, pitiful
* Expression of regret.
That's a heavy duty word! Here are my two scenarios today:
Situation #1...I bought a coffee for a friend and when I got to thier office, I sent a text saying I was there. 5 minutes later they hadn't walked out so I sent another text saying that I would leave the coffee by the front door. As I got out of my truck they walked out and said they just recieved the first text...5 minutes later. I later texted and said that I was sorry they didn't recieve my first text. Why?? Was it a wretched act that they didn't recieve their text? Was I feeling pity that they didn't know their coffee was there?
Situation #2...I was walking out of the restroom as someone was walking in and they looked at me and said "sorry". For what? Was it a deplorable act for us to be coming and going at the exact same moment? Were they feeling regret for having to go to the restroom?
In both of these situations the word "sorry" was misused, as far as I'm concerned. I wasn't really sorry that my friend didn't get my text. I was a little irritated that I had waited for 5 minutes and somehow I took that irritation and translated it to my fault. And was the gal walking in the bathroom really sorry? No way...nothing to be sorry for!
So, my soapbox for today is use your language deliberately. Think before you speak even if it's something as simply as sorry. If we don't really mean it we shouldn't really say it. Sorry seems to be hard to say only when it's actually appropriate to be apologetic.
Love and peace to you all. Watch your words and make sure you mean them. Be deliberate in your speech and make sure you own what you say.
KA :)
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